By Jennifer Joyce

Taking a trip without your kids seems like a good idea, until it happens. In August, Captain Jacy Voglewede, Master Sergeant Kayla Skelton, and I left our 10 children in the care of other people when we traveled to Africa through the North Dakota National Guard’s State Partnership Program. In our absence, our spouses and extended family picked up the slack.

We departed Bismarck August 12 for a multinational engagement in Africa. We ventured to Ghana, Togo, and Benin to visit with military personnel about the issues they face in regard to gender equality and the struggles they encounter with the integration of women into their respective militaries.

Before our engagement, we prepared for the topics we thought we might encounter. Each time we discussed our upcoming endeavor, we ended our conversations with the same themes: as mothers, we feel guilty for leaving our families; but as full-time service members, we want to excel in our roles and exceed standards. We didn’t know exactly what to expect during our week long trip to Africa, but we felt ready. We were eager to learn and eager to help.

After our first engagement in Ghana, we learned that there was a parallel in our struggles as females in the military: our primary concerns are not sexual harassment or workplace discrimination as one might think. Rather, our shared concern is how to balance our careers in the military with our responsibilities as wives and mothers.

We were a bit shocked. We felt as though we had traveled across the world to find out that female service members in a developing country feel the same way we do! We weren’t expecting that kind of feedback—after all, we traveled to our partnership countries to talk business.

We took the candid feedback to heart and kept it in mind as we continued our engagements in Togo and Benin, where we gained even more insight. We took note of how our military structure differs and how our militaries vary in levels of progression in regard to gender equality and integration—in some respects, their militaries are even more progressive than ours. The overarching theme that resonated throughout each country, though, was the same one that the three of us North Dakotans had when we left home: as women, and especially as mothers, it is difficult to prioritize the family and career aspects of our lives.

Ma’am. Sergeant. Mrs. So-and-so. Jacy. Kayla. Jenn. Mom. We are called and recognized by these names. Each is a title associated with a role in our lives, accompanied by a particular set of duties. How do we find the balance? How do we manage it all by ourselves?

Here’s the truth: we don’t. We don’t do it by ourselves. Just like our counterparts in Ghana, Togo, and Benin, we rely heavily on others to help us along the way. Jacy, Kayla, and I are fortunate to have family to help us with extended childcare. We have daycares, babysitters, and part-time nannies. We even periodically hire housekeepers to help get us back on track when we take a hiatus from housework.

Sometimes we feel guilty because we feel like our families come second to our careers, especially for Kayla and me. We are both in dual-military marriages. That means double the time apart or, at times, it means that the kids have to go without both parents for a while. It isn’t easy. Friends and family members who don’t understand our military obligation have viewed us as “selfish.” However, the commitment we give to the military multiplies tenfold when we’re home with our families.

Like the mothers we met in Ghana, Togo, and Benin, “Mom” is our most cherished title. It’s the reason we work so diligently to advance in our careers. It’s the reason we are committed to a career that aims to defend and improve our children’s way of life. Most significantly, it’s the reason we seek outside support to provide them with as much stability as possible. We don’t do it alone. It takes a village.   

Photos by Jacy has put together a gallery of photos from their trip to Africa. Click here to see them.

Jennifer is a full-time Soldier in the N.D. National Guard. She is a busy mother of twin toddlers and a stepmother of three. She resides in Mandan with her husband, Patrick, and their children. She enjoys any opportunity to learn something new.