By Jody Kerzman ⼁Submitted Photo

Of all the challenges I’ve faced in my 42 years of life, raising daughters might be the toughest one yet. Tougher than that economics class I had to take in college. Tougher than recovering from knee surgery in my late 20s. Tougher than any story I covered in my career as a reporter.

I have three daughters (ages 18, 10, and 7) and one son (age 16). There’s a big difference between my daughters and my son. My son could have a disagreement with a friend at noon, and by suppertime, be asking the same friend to hang out. My daughters on the other hand, will stretch out a disagreement with someone—even a best friend—for days and sometimes even weeks. The drama with girls is real.

But here’s the thing: while raising girls is the toughest job I’ve ever had, it’s also the one that makes me feel like I can make the biggest difference, and one that challenges me to be my best every day. Kids learn by example, so if I badmouth a co-worker, I shouldn’t be surprised when they say bad things about a classmate. To be a good parent, I think it’s also important to be a good leader.

According to dictionary.com, one definition of leader is a person who guides or directs a group. I asked my 10 and 7-year-old daughters to define the word too. Here’s what they came up with:

To help your country (Morgan, age 7)

The person in control, but not in a bossy way (Lizzy, age 10)

The person who gives instructions in Simon Says (Lizzy, age 10—there’s always a comedian isn’t there?)

I think all those definitions work, but I also think there’s more to it. A leader is someone who sets a good example, who models good behavior and work ethic. How can I expect my children to make their beds in the morning if I don’t do the same? And how can I expect them to be nice to the new kid at school if they’ve never seen me have a conversation with the clerk at the grocery store?

I especially like Lizzy’s definition “the person in control, but not in a bossy way.” As leaders (and as moms) it’s easy take the “control” part way too seriously. I struggle with this everyday. I like to be in control. A couple of examples of my controlling ways:

I like the towels folded a certain way (they stack nicely in the cupboard if they’re folded in thirds rather than in fourths).

I like to be in charge of our weekly menu (I hate wasting food and if I plan and cook the meals, we’ll use the lettuce before it goes bad).

They sound silly, and they really are. I mean seriously, I should be happy someone else thought to fold and put towels away. (Maybe they even took the initiative to wash and dry them!) and I should be grateful we have so much food in our fridge and cupboards that it could possibly expire before we could eat it. Instead, I tend to get grumpy and bossy when people try to help with these household chores. That’s not being a very good leader. A good leader would take a second to demonstrate how to do it and explain why it works best this way. Then a good leader would step back and let someone else give it a shot. And a good leader would also be open to other suggestions—someone else’s ideas might lead to an even better towel stacking system.

I recently ran across a photo of my grandpa and me; he was teaching me to fly a kite. I was probably about 5 years old, holding onto the reel of kite string, but Grandpa has his hands on the reel too, ready to help if needed. I’m smiling ear to ear as my favorite cowboy teaches me the ropes of kite flying. It’s one of my favorite photos of my childhood, and one that shows what a good leader my grandfather was. I have no idea if we managed to fly that kite that day or not. I do however, remember the lessons in leadership I learned that day, at such a young age. He let me try it my way, but was there just in case it didn’t work out. Talk about a leader.

Letting go and giving control to someone else is never easy, but try it. It just might change your life, and someone else’s too.